Every couple argues. Whether it’s about big things or small things, it’s bound to happen even in the healthiest of relationships.
But it’s how a couple argues that can either make the relationship stronger or tear it down.
It’s probably not realistic to think you can overcome arguments for good. So, how can you find a kinder, better way to argue that leaves you feeling closer to your significant other?
Resist the Temptation to Retaliate
Arguments often arise when our partner is unexpectedly and inexplicably behaving in a way that seems selfish, mean, oblivious or obstinate.
Surprised and hurt, the temptation is to react strongly and hurt back. We have a variety of tempting tactics at our fingertips to protest our mistreatment—shouting, name-calling, a door slam, sulking or the silent treatment, to name just a few.
Outside of the heat of the moment, we might consider—what are we actually hoping for? Is our end goal really to punish and hurt back? No, of course not. What we’re really wanting is for our partner to be kinder, see us, understand us, and love us better.
So, how do we achieve that?
Risk Being Vulnerable and Say You’re Hurt
When we’ve been hurt, surprisingly our instinct is not to say that we feel hurt. Emotionally, it can feel safest to shut down or fly into a rage. To actually state that we feel hurt is vulnerable.
But when you take the risk to lead with your vulnerability, you are likely to give your partner pause and sidestep a vicious cycle of attack and counterattack.
To admit that you feel hurt, sad, unloved or misunderstood, without attacking—simply a raw, mature, dignified, human, heartfelt, self-possessed account of your emotional state—you open the door to a different kind of conversation that can allow you to feel closer to your partner.
Be Curious and Open to Going Deeper
When your partner is open and vulnerable and tells you that they are feeling hurt or misunderstood, you’ll need to express curiosity about their experience. You’ll be less likely to go on the attack when your partner is vulnerable, but you may still not like hearing that you’ve had a negative impact.
It may help you to express curiosity if you consider that their hurt could be more about them and their unique sensitivities than about what you actually did or said.
You also have to trust that there will be a chance for you to share your experience and willingly to risk being open and vulnerable in turn.
An Example: The Costco Argument
To ensure privacy and confidentiality, this vignette is made up, an amalgamation, based on couples that I have seen.
Marie and Leo had a monthly ritual of spending a Sunday afternoon at Costco without the kids. They usually welcomed their trip as they each enjoyed getting the pantry stocked and making their home nicer.
On this particular trip, Marie forged ahead, moving intently and efficiently through the aisles to fill the cart with the items on their list. Leo stopped along the way to weigh and research some potential purchases. She called him from the checkout line, letting him know she was taking the cart to the car.
While neither was doing anything wrong, they each were having strong reactions towards the other. He was the first to complain on the drive home: Why was she being so mean? She left him behind, abandoned him! Marie felt enraged. She was trying to get the shopping done and had been kindly tolerating how oblivious he seemed about slowing the process down!
When in the safety of the therapy room, both Leo and Marie could reflect and risk being vulnerable. We discovered that Leo had been under a work deadline and was feeling lonely all weekend, having to focus on work. He was really looking forward to time with Marie at Costco, especially before heading off on a business trip on Monday. He imagined they would take their time at Costco, walk the aisles together, and talk through the technology decisions he was considering.
Marie had no idea how Leo was feeling. For Leo, unexpectedly and inexplicably, Marie was racing away from him and it felt rejecting, even mean to him. Afterward, he was tempted to sulk and withdraw and privately lick his wounds of feeling hurt, abandoned, and unwanted. His childhood history of long separations from his parents contributed to his sensitivity.
For her part, Marie was having a reaction to Leo’s lack of availability over the weekend. Wanting to be supportive, she was doing her best to be pleasant and understanding and to move forward with home tasks as best she could without his involvement. Marie experienced Leo as holding her back from what she had hoped to accomplish at Costco. In addition to feeling held back by him all weekend, she quickly grew impatient and resentful towards Leo. She also brought a sensitivity into the situation that stemmed from her childhood experiences of feeling clipped by parents who got in her way instead of supporting her in reaching her potential.
Processing the underlying hurts and vulnerabilities allowed Marie and Leo to better understand each other’s sensitivities and feel closer. Marie felt sorry for the little boy Leo and did not want him to feel rejected or unwanted on her watch. And Leo admired Marie’s resilience in the face of her unsupportive parents and did not want her to re-experience her little girl frustrations of feeling held back with him.
We’re not rational beings; we all have our quirks, wounds and sensitivities. When we share our hurts and vulnerabilities, our partners get a chance to develop an understanding of how we tick—an instruction manual so to speak. In this example, Marie could recognize that Leo operates best when he feels included and wanted, and might be sensitive to feeling dropped. Likewise, Leo was able to recognize that Marie operates best given some amount of space and freedom to shine.
If this example hit home because you’re having trouble with recurring arguments in your relationship, please contact me. Together, we can work on ways you can learn to disagree in a healthier, more productive manner and strengthen your connection, instead of weakening it. To read more, visit my couples counseling page.