Do You Have Mixed Feelings About Your Wealth?

Whether you were born into wealth or acquired it recently through inheritance, a business venture, or marriage, you know first-hand that wealth is a mixed blessing, bringing power, freedom, pleasure, and protection along with responsibility and real emotional challenges.

Do you feel compelled to “keep up with the Joneses” or driven to achieve more, yet wrestle with how much is enough? You may be drawn to help others yet feel torn by fears of losing your wealth, making poor financial decisions, or not having enough, even though your financial advisors tell you you’re doing fine. 

Do you dread being asked what you do for a living? It’s not uncommon to feel guilty, uneasy, or even ashamed about your wealth. You might feel drained by choosing to hide the fact that you have money because you are weary of being envied and judged. You might find it frustrating that some people pay little attention to your aches and sorrows as if “having money” should buffer you against the struggles of living. You may tire of being asked for money or worry that you’re loved for your wealth alone. If you’re dating, revealing that you’re wealthy may feel especially fraught.

As an inheritor, do you feel at the mercy of difficult family dynamics? Or perhaps you married into money and either don’t feel deserving of your newfound affluence, grapple with unresolved feelings about a pre-nuptial agreement, or have struggles with your spouse over financial values. You may feel a weight on your shoulders, pressured to use your (or your family’s) wealth responsibly to make a positive impact.

If you’re a parent, you may grapple with how to raise responsible, emotionally healthy children who are not entitled. If you’re a late teen or young adult, you may struggle with finding direction and launching into adulthood successfully. It’s not uncommon for wealthy people of any age to experience issues around boredom and identity, at times searching for motivation, passion, meaning, and purpose in their lives.

Wealth Often Causes As Many Problems As It Solves

Many people assume that the wealthy don’t have problems. But anyone who has come into money or was born with “a silver spoon in their mouth” knows that the old adage “money can’t buy happiness” rings true. The problems of the wealthy are just as real as anyone else’s. In fact, multiple studies have tied affluence to higher rates of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and suicide.

Wealth can impact a person’s motivation to face and work on their emotional problems, especially if there’s shame or stigma around one’s struggles. For example, someone grappling with feelings of emptiness, insecurity or low self-worth might be tempted to choose unhealthy and enabling ways of coping with these feelings - vacations and new purchases to fill the emptiness alongside status seeking to feel liked and valued. One of the dangers of wealth is that you have more means at your disposal to avoid working on emotional or interpersonal problems, often with fewer immediate consequences.

Children of the wealthy can be under more pressure to “make something” of themselves. While few people might expect the average person to start a successful software company, for example, the children of an already-successful entrepreneur might be held to higher expectations. Even if not pressured by their family, children of successful parents often nonetheless fear not measuring up to their parents, feeling ashamed or guilty when considering or pursuing a lower-paying career, especially if it requires relying on their trust fund to maintain their lifestyle. 

Moreover, there are increasing societal pressures with the rise of the social justice movement, the widening wealth gap, and a turbulent political climate that have created an unappealing stereotype of moneyed individuals. They’re often labeled as spoiled, out of touch, or corrupt, making some feel guilty or ashamed for their own status or success.   

The Way That You Come Into Wealth Impacts Your Sense of Self

The Bay Area’s newly successful elite is exploding—alongside an old money society with established status. Whether blueblood or digerati elite, your success comes with unique and sometimes difficult emotional pressures that can affect your sense of self. 

If you were raised with wealth, you know something of the benefits and drawbacks of upper-class life. Unlike those who build wealth later in life, your identity is intricately tied to wealth. It is not uncommon to fear losing your wealth and status or to have difficulty reconciling mixed messages you’ve received about wealth, perhaps from both family and society.

While everyone struggles to find their life purpose, those raised with wealth face unique and difficult challenges. Complex multi-generational family dynamics, indulgent or neglectful parenting, pressures to fulfill the family legacy, a lack of sufficient guidance, or preparation for living independently—along with increased risk for addiction—can be among the many hurdles to leading a fulfilling, productive life.

If you’ve acquired significant wealth or success as an adult, you must adjust to your good fortune, sometimes rapidly. This involves making shifts in your cultural and personal identity—shifts which can feel so profound that the process has been likened by some to immigration. 

The psychological difficulties you encounter are shaped by the context of your situation, including factors like how you came into wealth (whether through your own effort, sudden good fortune, or a traumatic loss, etc.). Your family dynamics and structure will also present unique challenges; if you are a newly rich parent, for example, you may feel caught between the fear that wealth will entitle your kids and the desire to give them the best.

While the emotional challenges faced by the wealthy and successful are very much real, you can now get effective support and guidance.  

It’s OK to Get Help With The Emotional Challenges of Success

Life fulfillment is about much more than just asset management. Most traditional wealth management firms don’t have psychologists on staff to attend to the deeper emotional conflicts that come with having money. To truly make the most of your good fortune and live a meaningful life, you may want to consider therapy that can address the emotional burdens that come with wealth. 

I understand the psychology of money and the unexpected emotional challenges of success. I provide an environment of empathy and understanding where the emotional complications that accompany wealth are a given and can be openly discussed. I’ve been working with wealthy individuals in the Bay Area for nearly 20 years, so I have an intuitive understanding of wealth-related challenges.

Wealth counseling can also help you clarify your life purpose and strengthen your personal identity, allowing you to develop and strengthen a rich inner life. Your life story is unique, and I will listen closely, helping you better understand what has influenced your sense of self and your psychology. As well, I’ll help you clarify what engages and fulfills you. We’ll work from a context that includes both your present circumstances as well as your unique background (e.g., how values, attitudes, and expectations may have been passed through your family and continue to influence you). Broadly speaking, my goal is to help you make lasting changes internally, and if needed, externally so that you can live better on the inside as well as the outside. 

Therapy can also help you be a better parent, more closely aligned with your partner in core values. For example, if you’re worried about your kids becoming entitled and materialistic, I’ll help you walk the fine line between supporting your children and enabling unhealthy behaviors. We can strategize about how to talk with them in developmentally appropriate ways about your values around money, privilege, and giving.  We can also tailor approaches to instill within them a strong work ethic and sense of independence. Moreover, I can help you tolerate imperfections in your children and in yourself as a parent.

In general, wealth counseling can help you feel more comfortable with your wealth, more confident around your sense of purpose, and clearer about how you choose to put your wealth to use responsibly - whether for yourself, your children, future generations or the social concerns you wish to support.

As you consider wealth counseling, you may be wondering. . . 

I would feel guilty getting therapy when so many people are so much worse off than I am. 

Just because some people face greater economic adversity than you do doesn’t mean that your emotional difficulties aren’t valid. Finding your way on your life’s journey, developing meaningful relationships, healing from past wounds, and living up to your potential is a challenge for everyone, regardless of income. 

If you’re like many of my past clients, you have been unfairly set up for anxiety, depression, and guilt by society’s assumption that money is the solution to all problems. The truth is, having money has also added to these inevitable life challenges, not given you a “pass.” Thus far, you may have found very few people who are able to sympathize with you, but I understand the emotional impact of wealth and can help you with these unique burdens as well as the challenges inherent to being human—so that you can thrive.

How can I convince my spouse to get therapy?

Wealth has a way of covering up and enabling unhealthy behaviors. It’s actually fairly common for someone to come to me frustrated and concerned because their partner is in denial of their emotional issues or else is reluctant to face them. Some common complaints are a spouse that works too much, spends too much (or too little), makes unhealthy lifestyle choices or has other addictions. Sometimes an enabling spousal dynamic is created, especially if you are financially dependent. Grateful for your lifestyle, you may be reluctant to push your partner too much for fear of rocking the boat. 

In situations like this, I suggest one of two options. Attend therapy with your spouse, and we’ll see if he or she can be engaged to address the issue(s) of concern. Or, if your partner just won’t attend (or you’re afraid to ask), consider coming in for individual therapy. I can provide you with support, and together, we can explore the barriers and options for reaching your partner. 

Wouldn’t my time be better spent on my professional endeavors?

The only thing better than being outwardly successful is being successful and emotionally healthy and fulfilled. If you’re struggling to find the motivation to address your emotional health, I will encourage you to focus on the things you want from life that money and working too much can’t buy, such as companionship, giving and receiving love, and a deeper sense of meaning and fulfillment. As you envision and experience for yourself the positive impact intangible assets like these can have on every area of your life, your motivation may grow over time to address underlying psychological needs at play that pull you to overwork and overachieve. You may even be surprised to discover that your emotional growth has a positive effect on your professional endeavors, as well.

Create A More Fulfilling Life For Yourself

If you have mixed feelings about your wealth, you might be feeling relief right now to have found someone to talk to who truly understands the emotional challenges of success. I’ve been guiding affluent clients toward healthier, more fulfilling lives for nearly 20 years. Contact me today for a free, 20-minute phone consultation to see if I might be the right person to help you achieve both material and emotional success.

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